One of the few advantages of being an octogenarian is that I can now ski free at Alta and swim free at Steiner Aquatic Center. I’ve not yet taken advantage of the free ski pass because, well, I’m no Alf Engen. As for the latter, it so happens that I’m a pretty good swimmer who once worked three summers at a public pool as a lifeguard. And here I use the word “work” loosely, since in no way can lifeguarding be compared to any sort of labor. Basically, it’s more like transcendental meditation, interrupted now and again by frantic screams for help.
I’m kidding, of course. Drowning victims typically don’t cry out for help. What they do is thrash wildly. So what you look for is a commotion, usually at the transition between the shallow and deep ends. That’s when you must descend from your lofty perch and investigate.
At Steiner, there is no such death zone because there are no children at play in the shallow end. Instead, what you will see is a group of seniors bobbing up and down, twisting this way and that while waving their flaccid arms in the air. They call it Aquacize; I call it the Costa Concordia Disaster.
I’m more than old enough to join them, but I will not. If I had my druthers, I’d be doing flips off the diving board; that is, had the diving board not been decommissioned. That’s because diving boards are slippery and somewhat dangerous. As a lifeguard, you have to keep an ear out for things that go thud and/or splat.
In between the diving and the bobbing areas are the swim lanes, and that’s where I was headed until I noticed half of them were already occupied and the other half roped off. I turned to the lifeguard on duty and asked why.
“We don’t have enough lifeguards,” she answered.
I have no idea how many lifeguards are necessary to monitor just one swimming pool. Moreover, what is the rescue protocol in case a swimmer should find himself in trouble? When you call for help, do you get a recorded message? “All of our lifeguards are currently occupied. Please hang on and your cry for help will be answered in the order it was received.”
Let’s get real. Lifeguards are never occupied and one per pool is enough. What they really need at Steiner, given the average of the pool occupants, is a crack team of geriatricians.