On paper, incoming students at Brigham Young University take a vow of chastity, same as BYU graduate and Utah senator Mike Lee took an oath to “support and defend the Constitution of the United States.” In other words, it’s more of a suggestion than an actual rule. I know that because it happens I’m the only student ever to earn a degree from that institution without losing my virginity in the process.
It helped that the comely coeds there weren’t particularly interested in getting into my pants. Not because I wasn’t physically attractive but because I wasn’t a returned missionary, known about campus as RMs. Only a male who has undergone the obligatory rite of passage–two long years of enforced celibacy–is considered a worthy match, ideally to a young woman who has been awaiting his return from the mission field, forsaking all other suitors in the meantime.
So, there I was, desperate to get laid but lacking the necessary qualification. Which isn’t to say I was a stranger to foreplay. Several times I’d gotten to first base and once reached second, only to be picked off trying to steal third. To say I was sexually frustrated is an understatement. What part of “yes” did she not understand?
What got me thinking about those days is a current campus scandal involving star quarterback Jake Retzlaff, who led last year’s Cougars to an eleven win season. Alas, he won’t be returning for another season because an unnamed BYU coed has civilly charged him with rape, asking $300,000 in damages to her precious hymen. Said suit was immediately settled out of court–thanks to the church’s deep pockets; however, Jake has opted to transfer rather than wear a scarlet letter instead of a block “Y” on his jersey.
All of this surprises me a bit because I remember winning BYU quarterback and legendary party animal Jim McMahon. How the heck did he not run afoul of the school’s honor code? My guess is, he steered clear of BYU coeds and only dated normal girls. Like Retzlaff, who is Jewish, McMahon wasn’t a Mormon. Although I doubt he spent much time in church, he was nominally Catholic–never more so than when he completed a last second “Hail Mary” pass to beat Southern Methodist in the 1980 Holiday Bowl. And let’s not forget who caught that pass–also known as “The Immaculate Reception.” It was tight end Clay Brown, another Catholic!
Who among us hasn’t dreamt of winning such glory on the playing field and becoming a “player” off the field as well? I know I did. When I was in college, I would gladly have forsaken my dream of becoming a published author, if it meant I could be a big man on campus for just one day.
But that was many years ago. Athletes peak early in life, after which they are put out to a pasture with holes in it known as a golf course. Meantime, frustrated losers keep pecking away at their keyboards in hopes of turning youthful sorrows and disappointments into an amusing memoir, an example of which you can purchase today from Amazon, Barnes & Noble and even Walmart.
