I suppose it was only a matter of time before Trumpian politics spilled over into collegiate sports–at any rate, that’s what I’ve been hearing from local football fans who insist that the Rose Bowl was fixed. By that, I mean the final score of 48-45 was somehow “flipped,” in favor of Ohio State. How? I have no idea. All depends on the findings of ongoing postgame analyses, including the MY PILLOW GUY SLOW MOTION TICKET BOOTH RECOUNT, which indicates that 70 percent of fans in attendance on New Year’s Day were rooting for Utah–the same percentage of Republicans who believe Donald Trump won last year’s presidential election. Coincidence? I think not!
And let’s not forget the scoreboards. Who makes those? They’re electronic, so we can rest assured they’re not made in America. I’m guessing China, or maybe Venezuela. And who programs them? I’m picturing a disgruntled 400-pound lineman wearing a white Ohio State jersey. No, wait! Utah was wearing white instead of the customary red, while Ohio State’s team was outfitted in red—no doubt in an effort to confuse us. I mean, dammit, Utah is a RED state! Why were our players wearing white? I blame George Soros. Don’t ask me why; it’s just what I’ve learned from watching various right wing cable news networks. You want to know how we here in the Beehive State are taking our so-called loss in the Rose Bowl? Just picture Tucker Carlson’s permanent pissy face. Gaaaah!
