So, I’ve been sheltering in place for the past few days, occasionally watching the news and wondering just what the heck is going on in the world outside. Perhaps most disturbing are reports that stores are running out of toilet paper. How can that possibly be, I wondered? Hand sanitizer I understand—but toilet paper?
I’ve begun to wonder if people in the developed world even know what toilet paper is for. You wouldn’t if all you knew about toilet paper is what you see on television. Time and again we’re informed that a certain brand is soft—so soft that you can’t resist squeezing it, or rubbing your face with it. In one commercial, ancient Egyptian undertakers are shown wrapping a mummy in toilet paper. I certainly hope that my community isn’t running low on mummywrap.
In my neighborhood, teenaged pranksters have been known to wrap entire houses with toilet paper; however, it hasn’t happened lately. If it does, I’m sure the pranked homeowner will be ever so grateful!
However, I can’t just sit around waiting to be mummified or toilet papered, so yesterday for the first time in a week I ventured to the nearest grocery store, where I was shocked to discover that the shelves have indeed been picked clean of toilet paper. And not just toilet paper, but also paper towels, paper napkins and Kleenex tissue. Everything but sandpaper!
To add to the dystopian vibe, there was no cheerful Muzak in the air. Instead, two young women at the checkout counter were singing, “It’s the end of the world as we know it…”
I was beginning to feel a bit like Vincent Price as The Last Man On Earth. I bought six pounds of garlic cloves and a mirror and hurried home.
Looking back, I suppose I should have paid closer attention to the squirrel outside my window who’s been busily laying up provisions for the coming poopocalypse.
