This may come as a surprise to anyone born after, say, 1620, but the Mormon Church still practices what is called “conversion therapy,” which supposedly turns gay people straight. It’s done in the spirit of what’s known in Utah as “religious freedom”–meaning, the freedom to abuse minorities in the name of religion.
Take it from me, conversion therapy doesn’t work—at least, it didn’t for me. I’m thinking back to when I was a young man struggling to come to terms with his heterosexuality at Brigham Young University. At the time, I was desperate to hook up with a person of the opposite sex but was having no luck whatsoever. Granted, I wasn’t particularly handsome, but what puzzled me was the fact so many geeky guys were capturing the hearts of comely coeds. What did they have that I didn’t, I wondered? Turns out they were returned missionaries, whereas I had turned down multiple invitations to spend two years of my life knocking on doors in foreign lands in hopes of converting some vulnerable soul to the LDS religion. I had decided not to serve for a very simple reason: I didn’t WANT to.
For three long years, I struggled mightily to fit in. I cut my hair short; I wore horn-rimmed glasses; I affected a Napoleon Dynamite-like gait. Once, I even allowed a coed to drag me to see “The Sound of Music.” I emerged from the theater not only depressed, but also paranoid, convinced that the hills surrounding Provo were somehow “alive.”
Alas, nothing worked. Not only did I not find a mate, but even worse, I became a liberal Democrat—bad news for then university president Ernest Wilkinson, who since taking office had made it his mission to transform each and every student into a hard right Republican. Evidently the process had worked for Cougar punter Jason Chaffetz, who, I’m told, converted from Judaism to Mormonism while at BYU. I strongly suspect Jason’s rabbi was more than happy to be rid of him.
Once I was out in the real world and among normal people, the depression gradually lifted and suicidal thoughts dissipated, Likewise, the geekiness I had so carefully cultivated at BYU in hopes of snagging a Mormon beauty. Because I’m now married to a Jew, I’ve even considered converting to Judaism. My local rabbi said he’d take a look at my application, but so far I haven’t heard back.