There we were, all set to repaint the old house, when our contractor suggested we first conduct a contamination test. Turns out we’re toxic, thanks to underlying layers of lead-based house paint.
This bothers my wife a lot more than it bothers me; in fact, I’m not bothered at all, for I came of age in the Fifties and would probably have perished from exposure to nuclear test fallout had it not been for a house that was totally shielded by lead-based paint. Would that I had also worn lead-based socks whenever my little feet were x-rayed at the Red Goose Store in preparation for being fitted for new ones.
In those days, the only person concerned with lead contamination was my high school track coach, whose signature phrase was, “Get the lead out, Menzies!”
Then there was mercury. I remember a day, after my eighth-grade science teacher Mr. Rudisill had accidentally spilled a vial of mercury, that we, his students, were assigned to retrieve the scattered slippery spheres. In the course of doing so, we discovered that by rubbing mercury onto a dime, we could make it extra shiny—not to mention our little fingers.
But did anyone back then worry about mercury poisoning? No. Parents just assumed their kids were all a tad mentally retarded and slow afoot. Our test scores and track times may have sucked, but what few trophies we did have were all extra shiny.
I should also mention that we had some very interesting signs on the sides of buildings downtown: NEVER RIP OVERALLS. GOLDEN RULE STORE. BULL DURHAM TOBACCO. No matter how many times the letters were painted or plastered over, they’d reappear—brighter and bolder than ever! That’s because lead-based paint is colorfast and extremely durable.
“Where can I buy some?” I asked the fellow from the environmental protection agency who had come by to evaluate our situation.
“You can’t,” he answered. “Lead-based house paint has been banned since 1978, and if you try scraping it off, you could be fined thousands of dollars.”
So for now, we’ve decided to leave things as they are and just shelter in place. Better the appearance of our house should scare away the neighbor kids than we turn it into an show piece likely to stunt their growth and shorten their lives should they so much as ring our doorbell on Halloween. Evidently, kids nowadays don’t have much in the way of immune systems and have to be protected at all costs—or, as my parents would say, “mollycoddled.” Not sure, but I believe the word is derived from “molybdenum.”